It was unexpected. Or maybe it was just a matter of time.

My last living grandparent passed away. She was also the closest to me, since she took care of me when I was younger. My grandmother (Lyma/Ahma in chinese) was the one who instilled my love for music. She signed us up for piano lessons, I used to love playing the piano, but got too pressured/lazy to continue it, which is probably one of the things that I do want to get back to. I used to request my grandmother to play one of my favorite piano pieces which is “Fur Elise”. When she plays it, I’ll dance with it while wearing my favorite slip on sandals with heels.

Encountering death in this pandemic is totally out of the ordinary. And sometimes it could be summed up in two extremes. One of the worst, since there would be no wake, no time to grieve or mourn and gather for that person. And the second is, it could be a blessing in disguise, a simple process, straightforward no non-sense way of handling things for those who have passed.

Honestly, the event took a longer time to sink in to me. I wasn’t able to process my feelings right away. Some friends would check up on me and ask me how I was feeling, but I couldn’t really say anything. I don’t know how to describe what was I feeling, and that’s when I realized maybe I was blocking my feelings. In a way not allowing myself to feel sad or feel down because I want to have my feelings in control. Everything in control and in order. Not allowing myself to be vulnerable.

I want to describe that day in the crematory. How it all happened in the cremation of my grandmother. In the hustle and bustle of what’s happening around us, time did stop. Amidst the ambulances bringing another dead body, and lifting that heavy casket and into the line of bodies to be cremated, there was us in the corner. A corner where the family gathered.

In that corner, a Pastor and his companion from church came to say a few words and a prayer for my Ahma. That moment was the highlight of it all. It was like a eulogy for my grandmother and it brought us comfort. Our surroundings suddenly became a blur and all I can hear was the voice of the pastor. The Pastor quoted a verse in the Bible, John 11:25-26 Jesus said “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me, though he may die, he shall live. And whoever lives and believes in me shall never die.” He was making a point that even though my grandmother passed, since she is a believer, she will live. Live with Our Lord in heaven. And the Pastor said that she is in the “Better Country” now which is in heaven. I actually begged to differ, because I think she is in the BEST Country now, with our Perfect Father and Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. After, the pastor prayed for us, for the family that was left, because after all the prayer was more to comfort us and give us peace.

I always believe that things happen for a reason. And I know that my Ahma is in the best place now, no more suffering, no more sadness. Even when she was still strong, I would visit her and I could see her sadness. She would even explicitly say to me that she feels depressed. And I would try to give her words of encouragement and to think positively, all that pep talk. I would hug her and express affection and tell her to focus on the good side of things but I know it’s not easy. What do I know right? All I knew was that her sadness was rooting from something deeper.

I am at peace. I am happy I had those precious moments with my grandmother, even when she was not so well anymore. She would still remember me and call me with the nickname that she gave me. This might have not been the best of time to lose a loved one, but it’s not something we can control. Only God is in control. I also take comfort in God’s Sovereignty. His plans and ways are higher than ours, we might not understand it now, but later we will see the bigger picture.

My hope is that all of us would stay strong during this time. This too shall pass. Maybe a little bit longer, but we will get pass this.

Ttyl,

Isis